Hi, I’m Mina. I have an eating disorder. Well, had. Let’s settle for have/had because this road really is not black and white. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while but never had the courage to really get to it. One incident at work changed that. It all started with a spoon.
Some months ago, I started my first job. I was doing well in terms of food and I did not think much about my recovery at that time. Other things were more important. One wintry day, I was sitting at lunch with my colleagues. I brought homemade soup (pumpkin and ginger) and as I stood in the kitchen, it suddenly hit me: I have to eat with a big spoon.
I realize this sounds weird but listen (or rather read): before starting this job, I was a full-time student. Most of the time I ate at home and when I was having soup, I was eating with a small spoon.
Ahhhh, the small spoon. Those of you who took the same path as me know what I am talking about. That day at work, I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten ANYTHING with a big spoon. I’ve come so far in my recovery journey, I fought so many battles, I never even thought about giving up the small spoon. Certainly not for breakfast and definitely not for soup.
So THAT day, I stood in the kitchen at work, surrounded by strangers who do not know much about me. They do not know that I am terribly afraid of bugs and they surely do not know that I developed a severe eating disorder at the age of twelve. An eating disorder that I am trying to recover from. I’ve been recovering for almost four years now and during all this time, I never though about giving up the small spoon.
Can you believe that I almost broke into tears? I KNEW I had to eat my delicious soup with a big spoon. How on earth could I explain to these people that I never eat with huge spoons without mentioning my sick brain?
I did not enjoy my soup that day. I felt really alone. I couldn’t tell anybody what I was going through. I couldn’t handle the big spoon. I really really really wanted to go back to my small spoon days. This is recovery and it’s fucking hard.
This is the story behind this blog. While I was desperately in love with my eating disorder, I had my pro ana friends online (digital native, hollaaa), my forums, my blog etc. That day at work, I had no one.
I do not think that I’m alone. I believe there are many of us out there just trying our best. Falling again and again. Getting back up. Those of you who recover and feel alone, let me say this:
You are not!
I started this blog to connect with you. Yes, you. Let’s do this together.
If you made it this far, leave me a comment. I would really appreciate it.